We Are All Terminal...........

My apologies to anyone for which this is news. But no one gets out alive. Not my intent in any way to be dark or morbid. It just is. Lately, I have been feeling a tad like that carton of milk that sits on the inside shelf of your refrigerator. Sitting there waiting to be enjoyed for a period of time before that firmly stamped ‘Best if Used By” expires. I know - some of you are thinking - Nick, your -best if used by - was over 30 years ago. That is a discussion for another day.

Early on with my oncologist, Dr Kim asked me if I knew this was not a good cancer. I said I was aware. Of course there are no good cancers but mine is aggressive. He followed up with the fact he has a number of patients still going strong after 5-7 years. This was during a period when we were discussing care, treatment and expectations etc. and he wanted me to be apprised of all the implications which I greatly appreciated.

In the ensuing months this had not again been a topic of conversation. I had one MRI, CT scan that showed some shrinkage and the following ones have shown no growth or spreading of the disease. But I believe it was my May 1 appointment that Dr Kim brought up the 5 - 7 year group. I mentioned this to my long time friend, Kevin over breakfast. He said to tell the Dr. that you are well aware of the 5 - 7 year guys, you want to hear about the 15 - 20 year guys.

Anyway, at my appointment at the end of May, the good Dr. once again mentioned that darn group. Do not get me wrong. I love Dr Kim and my entire medical team. While oncologists can be direct I also feel they are some of the most compassionate. They are with their patients for the entire journey.

Perhaps this is simply his way of saying - Nick, live your life. On that note we do have an upcoming trip to Paris. I am at about the 9 month mark of this journey. I have spent the last few months regaining my health after some severe side effects from when I was on two drugs for the immunotherapy. I am now substantially better. While having gained the weight back my waistline is an inch smaller - to the good.

But the - live your life - is a valid comment for us all. Three simple words yet so complex. We are all at different places in our life but we all need to find the joy.

Stay Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind & God Bless!

Cracked & Battered..........

While it might be an apt title for how I have felt on occasion over the last few months - it is in fact the name of a restaurant I found while in San Francisco for my MRI, CT Scan and immunotherapy infusion. But I am getting ahead of myself.

The morning of Wednesday, May 28 came early. 2:30 AM. Had to get up and get ready for my drive to SF for my upcoming appointments. Probably could have slept slightly later but the middle of the night is the middle of the night. And I am not a run for the gate type of person. Traffic of course but the drive was uneventful. Made it to the hospitial at 1101 Van Ness in plenty of time. Early actually. Read my book. After several hours of being in a tube the procedures were complete and I was free to go.

I drove to the Marina District where my daughter, Gina, son-in-law, Steven and most importantly our 3 month old grandson Luca reside. Found a parking spot not far from their house. Proceeded to stroll down Chestnut in the direction of Super Duper. Not really feeling a hamburger since we had barbecued over Memorial Da weekend - but a strong back up. About 2 or 3 storefronts down from Super Duper but on the other side of the street was Cracked and Battered. Great news! I was wanting breakfast and it was only 10:30 AM. I had been up for 8 hours and only piece of raisin bread.

I ordered a cup of coffee. Delicious. A good start. Mela and I like our coffee. I did not need to look at the menu long. Eggs Benedict with fried chicken and biscuits. So good. The chicken was tender and moist, lightly battered and seasoned and fried to perfection, the biscuits had just enough crisp to hold up to the hollandaise sauce and perfect soft center poached eggs.

Appetite satiated I head back to the kids house, Casa Benvenuto. I was greeted by Steven and Luca. Gina was downstairs working from home. A good visit with Steven and precious time with Luca. He is such a happy baby. Just chilled for the afternoon. Steven and Gina had some prearranged dinner plans which was fine.

I wandered down to Lil Original Joe’s. Original Joe’s is in North Beach but have opened a Lil Original Joe’s on Chestnut. I had been there twice with the kids and Mela. Great environment, great service and great food. I had tried the chicken parmesan and amazing. Also had the ravioli with meat sauce. The ravioli’s were pillows of perfection and you could put the meat sauce on a shoe. So good.

Anyway there was a seat at the bar with my name on it. Ordered a vodka martini. Which is now much more of a treat than a staple. After nursing my drink I ordered the ravioli with meat sauce and a glass of chianti. What came out from the kitchen was discouraging at best. Virtually no meat sauce and ravioli looked a little tired. Asked the bartender for some meat sauce. Took forever. Meat sauce was lukewarm and ravioli were chewy.

I shared this with my bartender and she said something. Told her I was not looking for excuses just wanted her to know. After a few minutes she did offer a free dessert - which I accepted and upon receiving my bill she had comped the wine. Which was all good but really just wanted the ravioli that I had eagerly anticipated.

Made my way back to Casa Benvenuto and had a wonderful evening, The next morning was an appointment with my oncologist and my infusion. Good news for me and hopefully for most - my MRI and CT scan results were alrady in and came back clean. Good for a few more miles. After a brief visit with the Dr I made my way to the cancer center where way too many people are getting there chemo or like me - there immunotherapy. With that completed it was time for one more meal before heading home. The Taco Bar on Filmore it is. A brief walk from the medical complex. One grilled fish taco and one grilled shrimp taco. All seasoned and cooked to perfection.

Being able to stay with the kids and finding great little places to nourish my body and soul make this journey far more palatable. So grateful.

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless!

A Few Random Thoughts.......

Let’s begin with the burnt piece of toast in the red shorts that is about 2 years old. That is yours truly. Is it really any wonder that I was diagnosed with ocular melanoma seven years ago? I never did sunburn or lay in the sun for the purpose of getting tan. Just a kid growing up in the 60’s and 70’s.  Sunset was pretty much my sunscreen as a kid. Unfortunately, I do not believe all those years of sun were favorable on my lighter colored eyes. Don’t get me wrong - I would not wish this on anyone but find it curious I had never heard of it until I was diagnosed. It am 6 in a million but still surprised I had never heard of it among professional athletes  or anyone else for that matter. Oh well. Life happens.

Yours truly in the red shorts.

Moving on. The merry month of May. As I said last time, two years ago, Monday, May 1, 2023 my Mom passed. May 1, 2025 was one of my countI less infusion days.  Mela’s Dad, Americo passed on Monday May 29, 2023 at the ripe old age of 95.  OK, my next infusion is on May 29, 2025. I am not sure what to make of this if anything. Am I blessed with two angels looking down on me and this there way of letting me know or am I simply the next one off the cliff. Maybe they are of of the same. I have not had a ‘vision’ of a timeline so who knows. Maybe 20 years out. But God.

Me and Americo

Americo with two of his kids, Rick and Mela

My MRI’s which were April 29 and scheduled for May 28 are typically  not so close together but we do have some upcoming travel plans - and I escape June and July. I do not want to live in ignorance or naievte but do not like them quite so close together. About 10 days out I start to think about the results the testing will render. I wish I could get a movie trailer like they show in theaters. Something like coming Christmas 2025. Probably not really a good idea. That’s all I got.

Stay Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind and God Bless!

Life is Funny..............

Today, May 1, 2025 is one of countless immunotherapy infusion days. About every 3 to 4 weeks in perpetuity. Or for two years after they find no sign of cancer should I be so fortunate.

Immunotherapy has such a pleasant ring to it like something you would  do at the spa after a facial. The beautiful young gal asks, “Mr Konovaloff will it be your traditional lavendar scent today or would you lie to try our new coconut and vanilla scent?” But such is not the case…………I assure you.

Selfie with Niko

Selfie with Luca

Dad, Uncle and Grandfather

Mom

Infusion Day

Perhaps of more consequence, it the second anniversary of my Mom’s passing. She lived to 90 and by all accounts had a good and long life. She is missed every day.  My Dad and his identical twin brother  passed just under 15 years ago. He was a man of great character, integrity and grace. The privilege and pleasure of working with him for a number of years was the highlight of my career. I remember thinking that he was taken much too young and it simply was not fair. Now here I am - praying for that very window of time. Life is funny…..

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless

Six Plus Months................

Great health but for the terminal cancer thing.

Abbreviated Recap:

Lost my left eye to ocular melanoma 7 years ago.

September 2024 - A routine CT Scan to look for return of cancer found spot on my liver.

October - Scans, Bloodwork and Biopsy. It is cancer. Uveal Melanoma.

November -  Immunotherapy - First of 4 two drug infusions. Rendered virtually blind and rash from head to toe. Steroids, Benadryl and cortisone cream resoloved both.

December - Second of two drug infusion. Chills, fever, loss of appetite and chronic diarrhea. Lost 20 plus pounds in 10 days. More steroids.

January 2025 - Gaining weight and healing and very short walks. Dr. stopped the two drug infusion and went to the one drug which I do for the rest of my life. No side effects. Very grateful.

February - Truly started to feel better. Gaining weight, longer walks and more exercise.

March - Last two weeks of March started to feel normal. (I know. Nick you were never normal). Seems hardly fair. Body was decimated over 2 to 3 weeks in December and 4 months and counting to get it back with more consistent and structured exercises.

April - Here we are. Before this all started I could do around 20-25 push ups. Around the first week of January I tried. Face plant. Could not support my own weight. Now at 18 push ups. Progress. It has seemed slow at times but progress all the same. I feel good but begs the question  of now what. Life returns but you also want it to count.

One of the first meeting with Dr Kim he said you do know this is not a good cancer - not that there are any good cancers. Yes, I realize. He did talk about folks with this cancer that are doing great after 5 - 7 years. But it was if these people were rock stars. But they continue to make huge strides with this cancer and I plan to be around for awhile. We have a trip to Paris planned this summer. Look out Henri Cartier Bresson. I sold all my Nikon equipment. Age and cancer made hauling it around too much. Opted for Sony A7cr range finder and 35 mm 1.4 lens. Not the Leica M series Henri used but very good all the same.

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless!

Gratitude and good News…

September of last year when Dr. Tony Tsai, my ocular oncologist, called to refer me to an oncologist that was a specialist in the type of cancer he felt the spot on my liver was he said there is a very good one at UC Davis and there is one in San Francisco that is perhaps the best in the country. San Francisco  it is. Getting the best and SF really is not that much farther in the scheme of things made it an easy decision. Last but not least is the fact that our daughter, Gina and her husband, Steven live in SF and have a beautiful home in the Marina that has accomodations for Mom and Dad. What a blessing that has been. So grateful.

When I got my referral to Dr Kevin Kim I had not yet been officially diagnosed with cancer specifically Uveal Melanoma. But so grateful Dr Tsai and Dr Kim planned for the worst and hoped for the best. It provided about a 3 week head start on initiating my plan for treatment. So grateful.

The end of  March marks about 6 months of this journey with cancer. I could not have done it alone. Family, friends, my medical team and so many others that I owe a debt of gratitude. At the top of the list is of course, my wife, Mela. My rock. Exuding patience I did not know she had. There were times that were really hard and she was there. So grateful. My medical team and staff at CPMC in San Francisco. Everyone from the janitor, to security, receptionist, nurses, doctors have all been so kind and just amazing. Our neighbor, during the month of December, when I was at my lowest and sleeping on the couch would come over and open the french doors to our backyard and let Lila out. And has taken our cans to the curb for the last couple of months. So grateful. I could go on and on but won’t. I do not want it to be a bad Oscar speech. Perhpas it is worse but that’s ok.

Proud and Happy Mimi

Good News - Thursday, February 20 we drove to the hospital on Van Ness in SF. I had only been there for cancer related visits for the last five months. But this is bigger and much much better. We arrived aroung 10:30 AM and by 1:33 PM if I remember correctly Gina and Steven were the proud parents of a beautiful, healthy baby boy - Luca. Nothing better. Mela is over the moon. It is now grandparents that make the drive to SF for my medical care.

We will be there at the end of this month for my infusion and to begin the celebration of Mela’s birthday month. If not sooner we will be back at the end of April for MRI, CT scan and another infusion but mostly to see the kids and hold our grandson.

Be Kind, Stay Strong, Be Humber and God Bless!

What a Ride...........

Recap - I lost my left eye to ocular melanoma almost seven years ago. A routine ultrasound this past September to check if the cancer has spread unfortunately found a spot on my liver.

October 2024 was a flurry of bloodwork, so much bloodwork, MRI and CT Scans and of course a biopsy. It is cancer. Uvela Melanoma to be specfic. Treatable but not cureble - the pleasant phrase for terminal.

Early November 2024 was my first two drug immunotherapy infusion. There is no chemo or radiation or surgery since it is in my blood. The negative side effects of the treatment left me virtually blind and a rash from head to toe that I wanted to scratch with a white hot iron. Only good news is I could not see it. Lots of steroids, cortisone cream and benadryl helped restore my vision and alleviated the rash.

Thursdat December 5 Kevin, a long time friend of nearly half a century drove me to San Francisco for my second two drug in fusion, A very long day. Close to 13 hours door to door. So grateful for his driving and company. But certain in my mind he would not want a repeat. Shame on me. Getting out of his car in my driveway he said let me know when we need to do it again. I could not do this journey on my own. Grateful to so many.

The next day Mela and I headed back to San Francisco. Our daughter Gina was having her baby shower and Mela was the co-hostess. Grateful that I felt good. Saturday  morning was family photos that Gina had scheduled. The shower started at Noon and was counting my blessings that I still felt OK. Around 3 PM that all started to change. Magically that was also the conclusion of the shower. We finally left around 4 PM back to the hotel. I was miserable. Got on PJ’s and got in bed. Chills and shivering so bad I thought I would chip a tooth. Only the beginning. We drove home Sunday morning and it went straight downhill. By the way the shower was a huge success.

In the days to follow,  I had fevers, chills, no appetite and severe and chronic diarrhea. I lost over 20 pounds in 10 days. I did not have the weight to lose. My mind and body were decimated. During this time I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. The time I was awake was either on the toilet or Mela was just shy of spoon feeding me applesauce, pudding cups and gatorade. Back to steroids to calm my system down. The last ‘bad day’ was December 22.  Fortunately, we were spending Christmas with the kids in San Francisco since I had medical appointments on the 23rd and 24th.

We drove down the morning of the 23rd and I had both an MRI and CT Scan. That evening we had decided on hamburgers, fries and shakes from Super Duper. So good. Ate the whole thing. Most I had eaten in over a month. Appetite was returning. On Christmas Eve I had an appointment with my oncologist Dr Kim. Before leaving I got a saline water infusion. I felt like it gave me new life.That evening we had a delicious prime rib dinner at our in laws and a quiet but very Merry Christmas the next day.

It’s funny. God seemed to give me the holidays. We hosted Thanksgiving. My vision was about 80% better and the rash was gone. I felt pretty good. The whole family was there and it was a special day. Christmas I was no live wire but very much able to enjoy the day and grateful for family.

Here we are in 2025. January was about healing and gaining weight. Also had another infusion but went down to one of the drugs. No negative side effects. Healing, gaining weight and strength has been a very slow progression.

The last few days of January and first few days of February really started to feel a lot better. Good timing. My birthday was the 5th. Saturday February 1 Mela took me to dinner at Ella’s along with my brother in law Rick and his significant other Dympna. Monday we drove to San Francisco since I was getting an infusion on February 4th. I almost forgot. Rick drove me to SF that prior week for my MTI and CT scan. Of course we stopped at Amici’s for pizza on our way home. Kevin and I did as well.

Prior to the infusion I had an appointment with Dr Kim. My tumor on my liver has shrunk by 28%. Best birthday present ever. Also my bloodwork looked really good. Back to Monday. We had dinner with the kids at Original Joe’s. Delicious.

Wednesday February 5th.My birthday. My daughter Nicole flies up from LA to surprise me. So blessed. We all went to dinner at Zocalos along with Kevin and his wife Val. A great evening.

Here’s to 2025!!!

Stay strong, be Humble, be Kind and God Bless

All I Want for Christmas..............

Can’t help but think of the tag line for Toyota - A December to Remember.

Monday, December 2 I saw my ocular oncologist. My vision has significantly improved. He gave me a shot in the eye. A localized steroid. I had been on a healthy dose of prednisone to calm my body from the immunotherapy and to let my eye hopefully heal which it did. The shot will stay with the eye and not interfere with the immunotherapy infusion for my cancer.

Moving on, Thursday Decemer 5 I receive my 2nd immunotherapy infusion, Thursday December 12 back to the ocular onocologist to see how my vision is doing, Wednesday, December 18 I get my MRI to see what the cancer is doing, and round out December on Christmas Eve with my 3rd immunotherapy infusion.

So here we are. My list - my prayer really. I would like a clear MRI and not be blind.

Be Kind, Be Humble, Stay Strong & God Bless!

2024 Thanksgiving is in the Books.............

My heart (and stomach) are full. A glorious day. What do you do on Thanksgiving  morning? You could  of course  watch a parade but how pedestrian - when there is a rock to be painted.

Well someone painted the rock. My daughter, son in law and grandaugther (names witheld) have been declared “persons of interest” but the investigation has gone cold.(See only known photo of the taggers).

The Unknown Taggers

It was for a good - actually great cause. Next year we will need a high chair around the Thanksgiving table. Gina and Steven are expecting their first baby in middle February. I am hoping for an early delivery and a birthday twin.

The family, food, conversation, laughter, fun and barking dogs were music to these tone deaf ears. The turkey and all the sides were delicious - and grateful that everyone involved  was a huge help. I even contributed with my world famous cranberry sauce. I love the stuff.

In between consuming copious amounts of appetizers, dinner and dessert, the outdoor games included corn hole as well as axe and ninja star throwing. My grandaughter is scary good. Not sure about that…….

Now all is quiet. The alleged taggers arrived on Tuesday afternoon and left over the weekend. So crazy good to seen them. Literally - my vision has improved significantly. But will see them all again at the upcoming baby shower.

I would be lying if I said it was easy but so much to be thankful for.

Be Kind, Be Humble, Stay Strong and God Bless!

Best Laid Plans...........

First, as I have said before this is my cheap therapy and my story but never wanted it to be about me, per se. But my naive hope is it is something relatable in this fun, joyous, ugly, messy thing we call life. Frankly, I do not really edit it much (Yeah Nick we can tell). Writing it is almost an exorcism for me. Let’s get started.

The week of November 10 was suppose to be a good week. I had concluded the chaos of biopsies, MRIs,CT scans, countless bloodwork, returned from a nice vacation in Mexico and had my first infusion on November 7. Lastly, Monday the 11 or maybe it was the 4th was my first day post hernia surgery to return to normal activity. I envisioned more exercise, golf, helping Mela again with real estate, work on photography etc,

The week proved to be the antithesis of  my plans,  Sunday woke up to a horrfic cold. I know who cares? The  cold was only a prelude of what was to come. Monday morning - virtually blind and Tuesday a rash from head to toe or as I like to affetionately say from - Ankles to a$$hole & nuts to nipples. Too much? You have to admit it does paint a picture.

The eye damage and rash stemmed from my immunotherapy drugs for my cancer. (With steroids my vision is returning). My bad analogy - The drugs are intended to race thru my system at 4000 RPMs attacking the cancer. They went thru my system redlining at over 7000 RPMs attacking the cancer and crashing into everything creating the negative side effects.

Thursday was an up and back to SF to see my oncologist for follow up.He said my rash was one of the worst he has seen. Yeah!

Time for Mela to drive home. My vision was that of consuming a bottle of Jack Daniels with mental clarity of 5 years sober. Horrible combination. We stopped at Amici’s Pizza in Vacaville for dinner. So Yummy! You would have thought we were two wolves that had not had a kill in weeks.

Friday was a visit to my opthamolgist. Left with no real answers. No fault of theirs. Woke up Monday the 18th with ever so slightly improved vision. So grateful.

Getting caught up. Thurday Novemver 21 an emergency appointment  with my ocular oncologist Dr Tony Tsai. I can not say enough how grateful I am for my team of doctors and their staff. After a lot of imagery of my eye and $20 words and consultation with my Dr Kim, my SF oncologist I left with a prescription for steroids to calm my system to help with my vision. Same drug as the one for my dear poodle Lila, Dr Tsai office is technically closed  on Monday but have an appointment to see him at 2:30pm. So immensely grateful. If I had gone ahead with my scheduled infusion on the 26th without my eye check I may have had irreperable eye damage leading to blindness. The 26th had been posponed for about a week.

So here we are.Looking forward to Thanksgiving with some of our kids, granddaughter,dogs and general family chaos, Nothing better.

Wishing the Happiest of Thanksgiving to all of you. We all have so much to be grateful for.

Be Kind, Be Humble, Stay Strong and God Bless!