The Battle is Our Own.........

I started writing this blog over eight years ago. Not entirely sure why. Best I can come up with is - it is very therapeutic - and something was stirring inside me that I had to get out - and had no real interest in talking about. Still holds true. Kind of funny instead of a few conversations I chose to put it out there for the world to see. I now have the audacity to think I have something to share. And at least three of you seem to agree.

I do not think I hate much of anything or anyone - but I hate cancer and maybe lima beans. It is personal. My wife, Mela beat colorectal cancer and has been cancer free about 13 years, my sister’s husband has cancer, and my cousin is on her third round of breast cancer. First time around 30 years, then 35 and now in her early sixties. And me with my Uveal Melanoma.

We are all fighting the same war but the battle is our own. Every story is different. Probably too much time on my hands. (that could be a song) I started to reflect on this - this past Thursday. It was my infusion day in San Francisco but actually a very good day.

I had time to walk down to Johnny’s Donuts before my appointment. The vanilla glazed old fashioned hit the spot. During my time going to SF, my cancer concierge, Alya, (she is very smart and extraordinarily kind and has a much better title) has gotten engaged, gotten married and is now expecting. So excited for her. Dr. Kim said that I am handling the single drug very well and is good for a longer term prognosis. Anyone else think of the famous Jim Carrey line - So you are saying I have a chance. But sadly, others are clearly having a tough time with the single drug which brings me to today’s premise - I will get there.

And best of all the Woodhouse Fish Co on Fillmore spent the month of April celebrating their 17th anniversary with $17 lobster rolls. My mouth was watering. About half a block away I saw about 15 people milling about outside - waiting for a table. My heart sunk but remained hopeful. They have a bar/lunch counter. I walked in and there like a shining beacon on a hill was an empty corner seat. I got it. So thankful.

The Annoying Line at Woodhouse Fish Co

I ordered my warm lobster roll and Arnold Palmer. Absolutely delectable. I finished it and was wishing I had ordered a side of fries. Still hungry. One look at the dessert menu - easy decision. Strawberry Shortcake. Now time to drive home.

The Oh So Delectable Lobster Roll

Scrumptious Strawberry Shortcake

Same war different battle. Thursday, April 23 as I made my way back to my room for the immunotherapy infusion I passed a room that had an elderly gentleman seemingly sound asleep in almost a fetal position with his IV drip while his wife (I assume) sat in a chair with an almost stoic look. I wanted to cry. I don’t think there has been more than two bell ringers during my visits. Everyone cheers and claps with abandon all while knowing we may never be the bell ringer.

The battle. Every IV of chemotherapy, every searing round of radiation, every tube of blood drawn, the endless minutes in an MRI, the nausea, vomiting despite nothing to eat, the severe and chronic diarrhea, the sleepless nights, severe and sudden weight loss, the rashes, the blindness, the fevers, chills so bad you shake like you have exorcised, the never ending drives to and from doctor appointments, every drip of immunotherapy, the surgeries. It does not end. Yet we all get up and hold our head high as we continue to fight. I am grateful to be alongside this courageous group.

I have been blessed with supportive friends and family, great insurance and great medical care. I can not imagine going through this journey without any of that. But yet the battle is our own.

That could be a song is Supertramp. Can’t get it out of your heads now - can you. The Jim Carrey line is from Dumb and Dumber. I know what you are thinking - how perfect for you Nick.

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless!

The five percenters..............

I do not think I have finished in the top 5% in my class in anything but I know that is no surprise to any of you. But hoping to now. I started to read an article on A Cure In Sight - A great organization for those with Uveal Melanoma. The article was covering some great news on a drug that was showing promise for extending the life of those with my type of cancer.

Let me back up. My oncologist, Dr Kim has mentioned a number of times to me that he still has patients that are around after five to seven years. I realize I have stated this probably too many times in my missives - and that Dr Kim talks of these patients like they are rock stars - my term not his.

Which brings us back to the article. Anytime you want to show progress you have to track and measure - and probably have some statistics to validate your research. I had never mentally made that leap of faith with Dr. Kim’s patients that are still around after that 5 to 7 year window.  The article did - and I felt like I was hit with a 9 iron (anyone else flashing back to the Rockford files - great show). Less than 5% of those with my cancer survive five years. Rareified air. Life unfiltered. Here’s to being a 5%er. Actually, No. Here is to reversing the percentages!!!

Luca Sporting Bogie’s Panama Hat

Niko at Badwater Basin in Death Valley over my Birthday

Be Kind, Be Humble, Stay Strong & God Bless!

The Gang at Christmas

P.S. The photos are my reason for sticking around

Living with Cancer...........

Aside from Easter and Mela’s birthday  this past weekend, I got to celebrate the illustrious eight year anniversary of my Ocular Melanoma. Not the official one but eight years ago at this time I left my opthamologist appointment after having seen not one but two opthamologists, an image of a blob attached to my left eye, all but blind in my left eye and a referral to an ocular onocologist. Even yours truly could figure it out. April 13 when I did see Dr Tsai it still stung a bit when he said, Nick you have cancer.

A little over six years later it metastasized to my liver. This particular cancer likes the liver and the lungs should it return. Not sure why. Maybe I am lucky it went to my liver. Maybe it has pickled and can’t grow or spread.

Over the last 18 months I have been receiving treatment for the new cancer. By all account I am doing well. Trust me, I am grateful. It was not unitl about May or June of last year that I started to feel my old self if that is even possible. I was blessed with going a few places and doing a few things but life is different. Living with Cancer.

I think two things in particular triggered this thought.  I saw an article on Facebook by A Cure In Sight. (A great organization for those with my cancer) It was titled The Invisible Disease. To be honest I did not read it closely. Probably should have. The idea of the article crossed my mind but did not ponder it til more recently - at least my idea of it.

Outwardly people with my cancer (and perhaps many cancers) I look fine. I know with my rugged good looks, broad shoulders, cut physique and Geroge Hamilton tan that many people think this guy really has it altogether. I do like the fact that I am relatively normal (I know what you guys are thinking) but none of us know what angst, burden or weight those around us are carrying. I have a long time friend that tragically lost his son’s life to suicide. I can not begin to comprehend the weight that he and his wife shoulder. I would take my cancer every day of the week and twice on Sunday before losing a child. Be Kind.

The other key recent moment was my visit with my onocologist, Dr Kim, at the end of March. In 2025 I had about eight MRI’s and CT Scans, and infusions and blookwork every month - and a few emergency appointments due to the side effects of my first two doses of medicine.

Yours Truly at the Death Valley Dunes

In 2026 I will still get the bloodwork and infusions but the surveillance over enemy territory will be cut in half. I have been apprised the ground troops are leaving at the end of the year - based on the most recent science and protocol my treatment will end. I believe I will get one or two MRI’s next year. After that, do I have a peaceful democracy or does the evil regime grow and spread. Living with cancer.

As I mentioned we have been some places and done a few things and have some stuff coming up. But I need to be much better about finding those moments and being protective of my time on the day to day. You can’t live every day looking forward to something that may not transpire.

I have signed up for golf lessons. Not sure how much better at 66, half blind and terminal cancer I can get. But want some fun. Yes, I find golf fun.

I do not know God’s plan (I imagine all for the best) but based on data to date I have already lived about 35% of a very good life expectancy with this cancer.  Living with Cancer.

This year my cancer schedule is reduced and all but gone next year. A little strange. Living like everyone else - but not. Living with Cancer. Find your joy. Be Kind.

Stay Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind and God Bless!

A Hodgepodge..............

Well here we are. It is just shy of my eight year anniversary of being diagnosed with ocular melanoma that cost me my left eye and about 18 months since it metastasized to my liver. Yet here I am. But God.

When I began the most recent phase of this journey I was to receive four doses of the two drug cocktail - kind of like vodka and vermouth but different - but I only made it through two. The hangovers -aka side effects - were insane. It was my understanding that I would then be getting the single drug cocktail in perpetuity. Fortunately but for a little fatigue no real side effects - they started to give me the good stuff.

Infusion Day

That has all changed. I will conclude my immunotherapy at years end. I guess the new protocol is two years of treatment pending no change. This is admittedly hard for me to wrap my head around. It is not like the cancer is gone. Anyway, I did like the analogy Dr Kim provided. He said to think of it like childhood vaccines such as polio, measles etc. You get one shot, maybe a booster and you are done and your immune system takes care of the rest.

I decided not to ask about Plan B should it grow or spread.. Hopefully, I am good for a few years and maybe Plan B will be a magic pill that cures cancer. Perhaps wishful thinking but that is what I need.

Current events……. My January, February and March blood work were all good and my MRI and CT Scan at the end of March were good as well. Life has been good so far this year. February was busy in a good way.

The gang at Death Valley

Luca’s 1st Birthday

Celebrated my birthday in Death Valley with my daughter Nicole and family. She flew up last year and surprised me for my birthday. Two years in a row I got to see her on my birthday. Maybe a new tradition. Mela and I went to Las Vegas and saw the Eagles at the Sphere. Crazy good. Everyone needs to see a show there. I bought a couple of overpriced clothing items. At my age and health if you get rid of four you get to buy one. We also celebrated our grandson’s, Luca, first birthday.

Dinner at Pisces in the Wynn in Las Vegas

We have a few things planned for the rest of they year. It helps me to have something to look forward to. As I have said before I am MOST grateful they found the cancer early, great medical care, great insurance to pay for this journey, friends and family and all the prayers that lift me up.

Stay, Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind and God Bless!

I Love the F-Word

The F-Word has the capacity to bring me a profound sense of joy and peace with this journey I am on. I don’t know that I can go a week, heck a day or even an hour without profound use of the F-Word.

Faith, Family, Friends, Friday, Food, February (birthday month). Fun, Flog (golf backwards - sometimes golf is like being flogged), Fratarcangeli (Mela’s last name), Fotography and of course my Francisco Giants. Okay, I took some literary license.

I would be lost without the F-Word. I try to use and exercise the F-Word at every opportunity. It helps me focus - hey another one. And helps with my mindset, gratefulness, joy, think, laugh and live my life with increased intention and perhaps a little urgency in the best way.

As you can see I should not be left alone too long with my own thoughts. I think it  being Friday, February 13 helped trigger this. In case you were wondering F$&k Cancer can count too.

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless!

A Few of My Favorite Things..........

A Few of my Favorite Things……….

Family, Photography and our National Parks. For five glorious days cancer and the concerns of this world did not exist. Even the travel days were amazing in that it was a drive down and up US 395.

Mela and I set out Wednesday, February 4 for Death Valley. The drive down US 395 did not disappoint. Stunning. Of course a drive down 395 has to include a lunch stop at Schatt’s Bakery in Bishop. Mela and I have had the pleasure to dine at several Michelin Star restaurants in the past. I am not entirely sure what goes into being awarded a Michelin Star but am quite certain that if sandwiches were included Schatt’s would have at least one star. Let’s start with the bread. Amazing. If it was any fresher it would slap me. Then the ingredients. So Good!

Enjoying Lunch at Schat’s!

I ordered the hot pastrami and swiss on rye and Mela opted for the roasted turkey on sourdough. We kind of flip flopped on the way home. She ordered the hot pastrami and swiss and I ordered the Santa sandwich. Roast turkey with cranberry mayo. Delectable. We also bought some Valentine’s cookies for our granddaughter, Niko. On our way home we bought cookies, cinammon raisin bread and coffee cake. Little piggies.

We arrived at the Inn at Death Valley around 5 PM.  We had dinner and a drink at the Last Kind Words Saloon located at the Inn’s sister property, the Ranch a half mile down the road. The gentleman sitting next to us was from Folsom, CA. What were the odds? He had been coming to Death Valley for each of the last 10 years. Most everyone we talked to had a story. A book could be written.

Thurdsay, February 5 (my birthday) we got up and explored the property. Truly a spring fed oasis in the desert. Just beautiful grounds. After breakfast we drove to the visitor center to chat with the ranger, get a map etc so we could plan our adventures. One upside of being a senior. I was able to get a one year pass for all of our National Parks for a mere $20. A lifetime pass was $80 but not sure I need that.

It was then time for our massage. Felt great. I had more knots than a Boy Scout Jamboree Camp. Our kids - daughter Nicole, husband Dwight and our granddaughter Niko arrived. So grateful to celebrate my birthday with family.

We wiled away the afternnon poolside while Niko swam and played in the pool. That evening was an excellent birthday dinner at the Inn’s restaurant.

I wanted to get an early start the next day and everyone indulged me. We all grabbed our coffee and were off by 7AM. First stop was the BadWater Basin. So surreal. We were the only ones there and it added to the almost eerie feeling. I think it would have lost a lot if there were even 20 plus people out on the salt flat. Next stop. Artist Pallet. Again quiet. No people traipsing around interfering with yours truly trying to take pictures. I think even my entourage was grateful we got an early start. There were actually a number of clouds in the sky keeping the light soft so we continued our journey. Zabriske Point and Dante’s View. Hard to describe but spectacular. Our sightseeing concluded around one. Time for lunch and the pool.

The Gang on the Salt Flats at BadWater Basin

That evening around 6 we went to the Last Kind Words Saloon for dinner. Outside the restaurant was a large patio with a few tables. A woman had her set-up and was singing. A beautiful voice. We went inside ordered drinks and food to go so we could listen to her sing. Amazing. We sat there enjoying drinks and her singing for 2 hours.

Roelle Singing on the Patio

Now for the rest of the story. Her name is Roelle. She moved from Puerto Rico. She searched US jobs that included lodging. There was an opening at the bike shop in Death Valley. So she moved. It gets better. That following Monday was her televised audition on American Idol. Mela and I are admittedly American Idol fans - so super cool. She made it through. Everyone has a story.

Saturday was another early start to our adventures including the dunes and a volcanic created crater. We were done around noon so again time for lunch. The kids had to get back that day so they headed out. Such a great time. Once again Mela and I went poolside. Warmest day yet. We actually got in. The water is very warm. Felt good.

One last dinner at the Inn. Got up relatively early, packee-up, grabbed some coffee and hit the road. Not having eaten breakfast we salivated just thinking about our upcoming stop at Schatt’s. We got home to see the boring second half of the Super Bowl.

A trip for the ages.

Stay Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind and God Bless!

No Good Side Effects...............

Well it has been 15 months of treatment. First, let me say I am crazy glad to still be here. Apparently the drugs are working. Back in November and December 2024 the two drug treatments had some rather severe side effects that I won’t rehash here. The last13 single drug infusions have had no real side effects other than a little fatigue.

The other side effect which I guess is kind of good is Vertiglio - which is the loss of pigment in your skin. The good news is people undergoing treatment that develop this tend to do better. I won’t call it bad but the other piece is that it is on my forehead and head - I am bald which we will get back to.

My forehead and the top of my head now look like a lost channel of islands in the South Pacific. Thinking about this I thought I should get a tatoo. A big X on one of the islands - like X marks the spot for buried treasure. I thought it would really complement the look when I wear my patch when the air quality is bad. My wife, Mela, nixed the idea. Did not think it was entirely fair given she has two. Oh well………

Anyway no good side effects. Let me say the cancer has not spread or grown. So grateful. Still I have had 15 infusions of harsh drugs and not one good side effect. Still bald, still crummy toe nails ( no pictures - you’re welcome). Lucky for Mela I still have my rugged good looks! Here’s to hope and humor.

Yours Truly………..

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble and God Bless!

I Love our National Parks..........

I truly have a deep heartfelt appreciation for our National Parks. My parents gave me and my sister the gift of treasuring our National Parks. For years growing up they were an integral part of the classic summer vacation. We had the very distinct pleasure of visiting many of the parks that dot the western United States - no so much the east coast.

Through my travels as a boy and to this time I have been to the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Sequoia-Kings, Yosemite, Lassen, Crater Lake, Mt Ranier, Mt Rushmore, Bryce, Zion, Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde, Big Bend and others. What a joy! I treasure them all but if pressed I think I would have to say the Tetons is my favorite.

Me and my beautiful daughter, Nicole in 2010

I was maybe 13. My Dad and I were taking a guided raft trip down the Snake River. The guide was maybe 20. A raft guide during the summer months and probably a ‘ski bum’ in the winter. Not a bad life. He was going to tell us how the park got its name but first mentioned that he once and three nuns on the raft and took great delight in the forthcoming story. The name stems from French-Canadian fur trappers who called the range “Les Trois Tetons” - Grand, Middle and South - because the three peaks resembled breasts when viewed from the west. And that is how we came to Big Breast National Park.

On a different note we visited Big Bend National Park when we were living in Dallas, Texas during my Dad’s last stint with corporate America. The park borders Mexico at one point. Our folks, my sister and myself were just standing on the U.S side of the border with the Rio Grande River providing the border to Mexico. I do not recall it being more than ankle deep. I was around 11 years of age and my sister about 13.  There were 2 Mexicans that each had a burro. They were offering a burro ride across into Mexico and back for probably all of 50 cents. My parents splurged. Still not sure if they wanted us back. This is probably called human trafficking today. So many great memories.

My birthday is in February. We will be going to a National Park in California that I have not yet visited. Take a wild guess. Death Valley of course. What other National Park would you visit when you have been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am really looking forward to the trip. Our daughter Nicole, huband Dwight and our granddaughter Niko are all joining me and Mela. I could not ask for more. Great memories and hopefully some great photos.

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble & God Bless!

Maybe Not Me...........

As the three of you know that read my occasional therapy, I was diagnosed with ocular melanoma in April of 2018. I had surgery that May to remove my left eye and the cancerous tumor that had attached itself to my eye.  At that time there was no statistical survival rate if it returned. It typically likes the liver and the lungs if it does metastasize. Anyway, I would have been told to get my affairs in order if it had come back in the following months.

Me and my bestie, Lila

From 2018 up unitl September 2024 I had been getting two MRI’s a year to see if the cancer had returned. That fateful September the results showed a spot on my liver. It was back. Treatable but not curable. Terminal. But that is not the story.

Throughout 2025, I drove to San Francisco every four weeks for my appointment with my oncologist, Dr Kim and get my immunotherapy infusion which I continue to do. I was also getting an MRI about every eight weeks in 2025. I am glad to say that the MRI’s are now quarterly. I am incredibly grateful to Dr Kim and my entire medical team as well as my friends and family that make this journey a little more palatable.

We are getting there. The treatment I am under is part of a clinical trial. I am essentially a lab rat. So much progress has been made on this cancer but this particular cancer is definitely not burdened with research dollars. It is very rare. Oh so grateful for the progress that has been made in the last 16 months and glad I am still here! My oncologist keeps mentioning the 5-7 year patients that are still kicking so we shall see.

Back to the lab rat - Subject 123XYZ. I don’t know that happy is the right word but was more than happy to be part of this trial. I hoped it worked and so far so good. But selfishly, I had lost sight of the bigger picture. Maybe the bigger picture was out of my left eye…..

The day after Christmas I was able to see my oldest, John, and his family. I was discussing my cancer, treatment and clinical trial with him. He said in so many words that my care and treatment may lead to a breakthrough that can save thousands. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

I brought this up at our Life Group this past week and was asked if I had thought of the trial in this way. Maybe at some level but not really, Shame on me. Not sure what God’s plan is but to tell my story - there is hope and joy - and hopefull lay the groundwork for helping others with this cancer through this clinical. My teeny tiny part. To the future when cancer is gone. Maybe not me………

Stay Strong, Be Kind, Be Humble & God Bless!

Champagne Problems........

A week or maybe two ago, Mela and I watched a movie. Nothing memorable by any means. Maybe it was even the title or just a line in the movie - Champagne Problems. It struck me which perhaps was enough from an otherwise forgettable movie. I think most of my problems as I make it through any given day fall in this category.

But I do have to say the whole half-blind, terminal cancer thing are, in my opinion, Pabst Blue Ribbon, perhaps Old Milwaukee problems at best. Or is anyone else old enought to remember fortified wine. Afterall I am going back about half a century. The drink of choice for the hobo community - todays homeless but I do recall them as being more gentlemanly. I digress but Thunderbird was the known brand of fortified wine back in the day.

I think the new year, the movie, Mela and I opening a particularly nice bottle of champagne, Dom Perignon, on New Year’s Eve, completing one full calendar year with terminal cancer and our church service have me rambling on about this.

I have said before how crazy grateful I am for faith, family, friends, insurance, great medical team and on and on. And I honestly feel I do a pretty good job of “living my life”. Nothing much matters anymore. The little stuff - the cares of the world. But God. I would be lying if I said the cancer thing did not sneak in. Mela and I go to our church on Sunday - Vintage Grace and everytime I leave my problems behind. Yet I go home and so many times I make my way to the family room and sure enough there is my ‘problem’ on the mantle like an Elf on the Shelf with that miserable smirk. Thankful for the grace and mercy that I am constantly shown.

Stay Strong, Be Humble, Be Kind and God Bless!